This is a story I told as part of my battle with PTSD and how I overcame it.
For 3 days we had been pounding a small village held by ISIS. Dumping numerous 12.7, 14.5, and 23mm rounds into their positions. We finally got the order to advance. Plans were made and we broke into our teams. My 5 man group was tasked with taking a 2 story building on the outer western edge of my the town. I was to secure a firing position on the second story and provide fire support with my dragunov. The rest of the team was to hold the building and establish an evac point for the wounded.
Op started with a faux assault on the eastern side of the village. When the first shots were fired we began our March to the objective. Under the cover of darkness on the moonless night we crossed 1200m of open ground. Praying Daiş did not have NVGs and were sufficiently occupied with the assault, we successfully arrived in position.
Dragunov slung across my back I nervously double checked the chamber on my cheap Turkish shotgun. Condition one. I had 4 rounds 00 buck, 3 slugs.
Earlier in the evening we drew straws to determine point man. I lost.
As we stacked on the door the butterflies began. No matter how many firefights I had been in it never failed. Those damn butterflies. I took one last breath and clicked off the safety. And in the micro second it took to go hot, I changed. Gone were the butterflies and nervousness. I had gone into auto pilot, that mode where training and experience kicks in, your senses heighten, a calm came over me. It was go time.
As I stepped through the door my eyes were drawn to a soft glow at my 10 o'clock. Weapon at the ready I pivoted, swinging my shotgun to bear down on the only light source in the pitch black room. A young face was illuminated, no longer a boy, but not yet a man. Maybe 13 or 14 years old. I didn't see the RPG until it was almost too late. As he reached for the trigger I fired. Double tap to the chest...range of 6 feet. I could smell his blood in the air. The coppery sweet odor permeated my brain. I could almost taste it. The boy slumped to the floor. The wall behind him splattered with blood, illuminated by the cellphone, which had fallen from his grasp. As he lay there struggling to breathe, shock hit me. I had just killed a child. I stood there frozen as he took his last breaths. I am not sure how long it was, could have been a minute, but it felt like an eternity. Finally he shuddered and laid still. I was brought back to reality by a hand tugging on my arm and pointing at the stairs. He was right. We had a mission to finish.
7 hours later we had secured the village. Wearily I shouldered my rifle and climbed down the stairs, dreading seeing the aftermath in the harsh daylight. The first floor was littered with injured Kurds receiving treatment. The corpse had been removed thankfully.